Calling God for Free from The Golden Gate Bridge

Calling God for FreeRight next to the restrooms at the Vista Point area near the Golden Gate Bridge – the little bus pulloff area you see right after crossing over to the north – there are a number of pay phones. That’s unusual enough these days. Kids born today probably won’t have a clue how one of those old contraptions even works. After all, there’s no touch screen, no camera, no Facebook…

Anyway, next to these unusual devices someone has seen fit to place something even more unusual. It’s a list of phone calls you can make completely free of charge. This is very handy, because you never know when you might want to call Chase Bank from the john at the Golden Gate Bridge. You can also apply for a quick loan or get help finding a job or call the Social Security Administration.

Probably the one that stands out the most, though, is the option to “receive God’s blessing” and “get daily prayer”. For that, one would press “*12”. There were no further instructions. There was nothing to indicate which god would be giving the blessing.

Would it be Old Testament God? I hope not, ’cause that guy has a temper problem. Would there be fire and frogs? For his (sorry, “His”) blessing, would he (He) command me to destroy something like he told Saul to put the hurt on Amalek? Would I have to go somewhere and put to death both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey?

Would it be New Testament God? New Testament God is more peaceful, loving, and forgiving. He had a kid. He’s mellow. He doesn’t kill people with floods and burning sulfur.

Maybe it would be Jewish God. You know, El Shaddai? Avinu? YHWH? What kind of a name is “YHWH” anyway? How do I know if his (Shit! “His”) blessing is any good if it’s in Hebrew or Yiddish? I’ll have to remember the phonetics of the whole thing and run it by one of my Jewish friends, I guess.

Maybe it’s Allah. Shit. I also don’t understand Arabic. Plus, that guy has NINETY-NINE NAMES! He could be calling himself any one of them, or none of them. I won’t know it’s the real guy if he just gives me some Arabic sounding name because I haven’t memorized the list!

Since the “G” is capitalized, I’m going to go ahead and rule out the polytheist religions… Those gods shouldn’t be using God’s proper name for themselves anyway. Kali might try to pull that off, I hear she’s not very nice.

Also, will I get a made-to-order blessing or will I have to settle for one “off the rack”? If it’s pre-made, can it be customized to meet my needs? Maybe everyone gets the same generic blessing.

Without any guidance, I gathered my wits and dialed the number. I was told all Prayer Warriors were busy praying with other callers. I never got my blessing. I’m not sure if I should be disappointed or not.

Actually, I can see where this list of free calls could be useful for some… especially considering its proximity to the most famous suicide bridge in the world. Maybe, if one of the Prayer Warriors actually answer, and they get the right God, and if the blessing is sufficient, one might reconsider bringing it all to an end.

OR… if they couldn’t get ahold of God’s representatives (whichever God that may be), maybe getting a job or a quick loan would fix ’em up.  Yeah, come to think of it, this is service is probably a very good idea.  Thank God (you pick) for this sign!
Creation of Adam by Michelangelo – public domain
Article image by Legion of Weirdos


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