So I’m sitting on the toilet. Yes, you’re welcome for the mental picture. Anyway, I’m sitting on a toilet in a public restroom and directly ahead of me is one of those baby changing station things. The brand of this particular model was Koala Kare. I know this because of the large logo and cartoon image of a baby and parent koala right in the middle of the thing. I have to assume the parent is a daddy koala since we’re in the men’s room, but I’m not too sure because I can’t really tell one koala from another.
So anyway, I notice that the baby koala is wearing a diaper, while daddy koala is nude. God I hope it’s the daddy koala, ’cause otherwise the mommy koala is naked and watching me take a crap… and her kid is there! I started to wonder why the hell baby koala needs a diaper when mommy and daddy koala just crap whenever and wherever they feel like crapping. I know this because I’ve seen wildlife footage of koalas crapping. Oh, and it shouldn’t really matter where they crap because of what they eat. Their diet consists of things like eucalyptus leaves and acacia. They use that stuff in potpourri, for Pete’s sake! I think of anyone in the animal kingdom, this daddy koala is probably in the running for the most qualified to claim his shit doesn’t stink!
By the way, don’t call them koala bears, because koalas aren’t bears. Pandas are bears, but we’re not talking about Pandas. Stay on point, goddammit! Anyway, koalas are not bears, they’re arboreal herbivorous marsupials. Koalas are more closely related to kangaroos. Fat, slow, lazy kangaroos that sleep twenty hours a day… so really, koalas aren’t really that much like a kangaroo either. A kangaroo will kick your ass. A kangaroo can run circles around a koala before the koala even realizes he’s there. Sure, they both have babies named Joey that sleep in a pouch, but the comparison stops there.
Pouches. Yes, that’s where I was going with this. Pouches are the reason baby kangaroos need diapers. Wait. We were talking about koalas, weren’t we? Well, pouches are also the reason baby koalas need diapers. You see, the mommy
kangaroo koala carries baby Joey around in her pouch. Mommy kangaroo doesn’t want the baby crapping in her pouch, does she? I’m sure mommy kangaroo would also like to keep her pouch baby-crap-free. So there you have it: If you need to change the diaper on a baby koala, you can do so in a public restroom.
By the way, according to Wikipedia, mommy koalas don’t clean their pouches. Dirty bitches.