They’re Killing the Internet

deadboardThey’re out there. They’re plotting and planning. They’re greedily lining their pockets with advertising dollars while slowly infecting the internet with their pathogenic content. Worse yet, there doesn’t seem a way to stop them; content farm web masters, bot creators, forum trolls, and the like. Evidence of their epidemic is widespread in the form of digital pollution.

Auto-play videos are the modern equivalent of the goddamned midi files people used to embed in their websites back when people didn’t realize Comic Sans font wasn’t intended for widespread general use. Autoplay videos are especially annoying when you open several browser windows at once, because then you have to hunt for the page with the offending video to shut it off. The really nasty offenders will put the video deep into the page so you have to scroll or make it impossible to stop the video from playing.

Floating, flying, bouncing, and otherwise obnoxiously-moving advertisements need to stop. Making it hard to click the “x” so that the link is accidentally opened is akin to purposefully stepping on the heels of people’s shoes. It’s a dick way to get attention. The ads never for a good product. Only idiots would buy something sold on a bouncy ad. All the bouncy ads should just be on one website so that all the idiots can just go there, us normal people can enjoy the internet, and the asshats who make the ads can get their click through rate from the people who still use comic sans.

Listicles should be on one page, two max. Listicles that load a new ad-filled page with every click of the countdown are the work of Mammon, the greedy man-boobed demon. There is no list worthy of refreshing the page thirteen times. If you build these sites, stop. Learn how to build a slideshow at least.

Sites that copy other people’s work as a sad excuse for content just so they can collect ad revenue, like UpWorthy and scraper sites, are right up there with the old-school response video girls of YouTube who would just summarize someone else’s content while focusing the camera on their cleavage… except UpWorthy doesn’t show boobies in the process, so it’s “advantage: response girls”.

Any content site that requires someone  to register or “share on Facebook” isn’t worth visiting. Nothing is exclusive on the internet, someone else has the content available trouble-free.

Question and answer sites suck. Every time I do a search in hopes of troubleshooting a computer issue or a car problem or my kid’s illnesses and I happen upon sites like Ask.com, where nothing productive is said, but every moron with a keyboard has chimed in with their similar story or some bogus advice, I want to hunt down every person involved in that conversation and punch them in the nose. A website where someone asks a question that could be answered with a minuscule amount of research only to have said question answered by a list of unqualified doofuses has no productive reason to exist.

Bots need to shut the hell up. Every comment made on the Legion of Weirdos website in the past six months has been a bot. Bot comments are easy to spot, but a pain to delete. The trick isn’t fishing out the bot comments from the real comments, but finding the real ones buried in the nonsensical drivel the bots churn out. L.O.W.’s real followers usually comment on the Facebook page, thankfully.

Thankfully there is enough good stuff to be mined from the internet to make dealing with all this crap seem worth is. Right? …Right?
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Image created by Legion of Weirdos