Self-Improvement NOW!

It’s almost February. The resolutions you made a month ago are history. Who cares? Nobody follows through on those things anyway. Giving up chocolate cold-turkey was a stupid idea. Hell, giving up cold turkey is hard enough… all those beef and chicken sandwiches.

What if I told you that you can do three simple things to improve your life today, regardless of your broken New Year promises? Well, you can! Forget giving up swear words, forget losing ten pounds, forget remembering to meditate.  Oh, and forget “life hacks”. Who still has old CD-R spindles and who needs a “bagel tote”? Here are some real, tangible, right-frikkin-now things you can do to improve your life.

Thin your Facebook herd.unfriend

  • Unfriend your ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends.  You broke up for a reason, and in the old days you wouldn’t give a damn about their Fiji vacation or whether they had a bad day at work.  Unless you’re sincerely still friends with this person (and your current partner is fine with it), you’re better off forgetting about them. If the thought of them makes you sick, it’s an unhealthy connection that needs to be broken, and at best it’s useless fluff your brain has to sort out.  If there’s some reason you can’t bring yourself to break the Facebook connection, or social circumstances like mutual friends or a shared workplace make it awkward, at least click “unfollow” so their crap doesn’t show up in your timeline.
  • Unfriend anyone from high school you didn’t like back in the day. They weren’t your friend then, why are they your “friend” now? You probably already clicked “unfollow” on this person anyway. Maybe you felt some social obligation when you accepted the friend request, but here’s the thing: Nobody’s going to judge you for ditching them! Hell, nobody will even know!
  • Unfriend anyone who constantly pisses you off. Reading political views that rub your fur the wrong way isn’t doing you any good. Speaking of fur, get rid of those cat lovers too… unless you’re a cat lover yourself, then seek professional help.
  • Unlike pages you don’t really “like”. Yeah, you have Abba’s greatest hits CD and you have fun dancing with your drunk friends to “Knowing You, Knowing Me”, but what important news could possibly come from that page? If they re-unite, you’ll hear it from your drunk friends. Besides, Agnetha Fältskog has always kind of been a butterface. OK… she was kinda hot in her 30s, but…
  • MOST IMPORTANTLY – DON’T post an update “congratulating” who’s left. It’s a real “Richard relocation”. Sure, I’ve done it before… maybe you’ve done it before… Don’t. It just makes you look like an asshole, and then you’ll be the one getting unfriended.

23663455_sEdit your wallet.

  • Store cards, Starbucks cards, etc. have gotta go! Sure, places like Walgreens and the grocery store ask that track your purchases in order to give you a reasonable price on things, but you can use your phone number instead of carrying that card around (better yet, use a bogus phone number when you sign up). For Starbucks, use the smartphone app… or just pay with a regular damned debit card like the rest of us.
  • Spend gift cards NOW! I can tell you the story of a sad woman who lost her billfold, including a few hundred bucks in gift cards. It’s money that’s gone forever. Worse yet, depending on the laws where you live, they could expire or decrease in value over time.
  • Leave the rarely used stuff at home. Seriously, how likely is it that you’re going to spontaneously need your Home Depot card?
  • Get rid of business cards. Enter the data from the card in your smart phone (or put it in your Rolodex, gramps!).
  • Try to think “essentials”. Driver’s license, insurance cards, one debit or credit card… that’s about all anyone needs.

TPheaderDon’t get caught with your pants down.

  • Buy a rack for spare toilet paper. You can get these really inexpensively at any discount store like Target or WalMart or at an Ikea, or if you are one of those people who needs to make a statement, you can go for a $35 giraffe that holds TP on its neck. Also, buy your buttwipe in bulk because it’s cheaper that way. Oh, and get the good stuff, not that one-ply prison paper… your underwear will thank you. Place the TP spindle next to your favorite throne and load it up with as many rolls as it will handle. Store the extra paper in a closet or whatever. Just remember to always keep the “spares rack” loaded up and some morning after a late night burrito you’ll thank yourself.

Wallet image: Copyright: funniefarm5 / 123RF Stock Photo
Other photos: Copyright Legion of Weirdos

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