Crap Your Pants Lately?

oldbabyWhen’s the last time you pooped yourself?

Personally, I can’t tell you exactly when, but I know I was about 18 years old (maybe 19) and I was in my car. I can also tell you that back then I wore relatively thin boxer shorts, so the incident was especially bad.

The night before, I had been partying with friends. By “partying”, I basically mean just sitting around listening to AC/DC and consuming alcohol in absolutely stupid quantities. It was relatively early in the morning and I had a college class to attend, and I was late. I was always late. I didn’t take college seriously at all until I was like twenty-five.

During my night of partying, someone had brought in a ten pound bag of gummy worms. Gummy worms are like gummy bears except they’re worms (duh). By the end of the night, the worms were gone. The whole party consisted of maybe ten or twelve people, and I’d say it’s safe to assume a couple of people didn’t eat any of the worms. That means, if I didn’t go over my fair share, I probably ate about a pound of the things.

Incidentally, 40 grams of worms has 130 calories. That’s about four worms, a little more than 32 calories per worm. A pound of them is 453.5 grams, or about forty-five gummy worms. FOURTEEN HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN CALORIES!

You know, I probably actually had more than that.

My total intake for the night probably looked something like this:

  • 45 or more gummy worms
  • 20 ounces or more Ronrico Puerto Rican Rum
  • 6 Taco Bell crunchy tacos minus lettuce
  • 20 ounces Mountain Dew
  • probably some potato chips of some sort

No part of my diet for the evening paints the picture of “regular bowel habits”. The Taco Bell and rum would probably have been enough to put me in a bad state of being. Add a huge bolus of goo made of gelatin, corn syrup, sugar, citric acid, lactic acid, yellow #5, red #40, etc. and you’ve just asking for a deluge! The Army Corps of Engineers couldn’t have effectively contained it.

fb296e14c84811e1a39b1231381b7ba1_7So there I am outside the building for the aforementioned college class, driving the parking lot and looking for a spot, when I notice a bit of moisture in my pants right around my backside. I wiggled a bit to make sure I wasn’t imagining it, which was a mistake. I noticed the cool, wet, sticky feeling was starting to spread and I gave up on finding a parking spot and decided instead to head for a retail store or restaurant that might have a public restroom. By the time I reached a store, the problem had grown to frightening proportions and I ditched the idea of the public restroom. I had to get home and fast!

By the time I got home, I’d made the decision to trash the boxers. I had to peel them off my ass anyway. With a lot of hot water and laundry soap, I was able to save the jeans, of course that was after the forty minutes or so I spent on the toilet.

I’m sure there’s some important lesson I should have learned from this experience, but it has totally eluded me.
Quicksand image and story by Christopher Mast
Cover image by loganban / 123RF Stock Photo
Baby photo is under free use license at Wikimedia Commons

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