In movies, the dorky, fat nerd always ends up with a hot girl, usually one that’s been right under his nose pining for him while he’s been distracted by some other hot girl who wants nothing to do with him. In movies, phone numbers are super easy to remember, you’re not faced with a mind numbing array of choices when you order a beer, and nobody has bad hair or skin blemishes unless it’s an important part of a story.
Computer problem? Just hit the “escape” key! In the world of movies, it’s the catch-all solution. I know what you’re thinking; “control-alt-delete” or just unplug the damned thing, but that’s silly overkill.
Speaking of technology, unfortunately in movies it takes a very long time to trace a call if you’re dealing with a kidnapper or a mad bomber. It’s not like the non-movie world where the police department can pinpoint your landline’s exact location the moment you dial 911. In movies, the Feds can’t trace a call without spending half the morning keeping the caller on the line. Jealous? Google, Apple, and Instagram can track you down in milliseconds at any moment of any given day.
You probably have a friend who’s hard to get off the phone, right? “Goodbyes” are awkward, they’re always coming up with one more thing they want to talk about before hanging up. Not in the movies! In the movies, phone calls are always posthaste and to the point. Oh, and never mind about awkward goodbyes, just hang up when you’re done saying what you need to say.
You’re a doctor, the patient’s coding! Flatline! What do you do? …Shock ’em, right? Of course, but only in the movies. If you try that in the non-movie world you’ll just cook the poor sucker’s heart like a cheap steak. In non-movie world, the medical team just stands around doing boring CPR while the doctors give boring drugs like atropine and dopamine and boringly try to figure out why the heart stopped. Snooze-fest!
There has to be an arrhythmia to shock a patient with the jolty thing. Arrhythmia’s aren’t flat, there are different kinds with different treatment protocols, and learning how to do it is hard. There’s nothing silly and complicated like that in the movies, ’cause everyone who codes just goes straight to flatline. Simple!
Screeching tires on gravel road is such a satisfying feeling. There’s nothing like burning rubber in a bed of unconsolidated rock fragments. Watch out! You don’t want to crash, ’cause everyone knows cars explode on impact. That is except for the General Lee, Burt Reynolds’ Trans Am, and anything Nicolas Cage is driving. Really, those Duke Boys ought to open a parts warehouse to market the fantastic suspension components and bomb-proof oil pan they’re using.
Movie gunfights are tricky. First of all, you don’t want to give yourself away by all the noise your gun makes! Sure, in the non-movie world, guns are fairly silent, because they’re engineered to pretty tight tolerances so they don’t explode when you try to fire them. In movies, though, wielding a gun always sounds like you’re carrying a bag of wrenches. But if you do get spotted, don’t worry, you’ve got a massive supply of bullets in that thing, which is good, because everyone in the movies is a terrible shot. Just keep shooting, because in the movies even a frikkin’ Magnum has no kickback. Go ahead, hold that thing sideways at forehead level and fire away!
When you finally run out of bullets, run! In the movies you can outrun bullets. You can also outrun explosions, because there’s no such thing as a tertiary blast injury and nobody’s ever burned, blind, or deaf afterwards.
You can make a quick getaway through a building’s heating and ventilation system; the grates come off easy without tools, even from the inside. Don’t worry about getting stuck, falling, or getting roasted with hot air, because that happens about as often as someone having a long highway commute. Travolta got from downtown Ventura to LAX in five minutes in “Swordfish”.
Ahhh… OK. I’m beating a dead horse, I can tell.
But seriously, don’t ever think you should shock a flatline, which is as goddamned annoying as Sandra Oh’s character on Grey’s Anatomy.
Thumbnail image purchased from 123rf.com
Car crash image public domain