Porn ≠ Sex Ed

We all love porn, right? If you don’t, you probably found this site by accident. In that case, we here at the Legion would like to suggest something like Knitting Through Faith to keep you occupied.

"I do say, good sir, this harlot could start thy Harley Davidson motorized bicycle!"

I do say, good sir, this harlot could start thy Harley Davidson motorized bicycle! She’s the cat’s pajamas!

With the advent of the internet, you can find a porn for just about anything you’re into. It’s all available instantly too. That means pretty much everyone with a high speed internet connection has seen it. Go ahead, show a group of high school freshman an anatomy book from the ’80s, they’re going to be grossed out about the hair. Why? Because in their mind everyone trims and shaves, because that’s what they’ve seen on myparentsignoreme.com.

The supernormal stimulus of porn has distorted so many mental pictures of what sex should be, and that not a good thing! Go ahead, enjoy your favorite genre of smut flick, just don’t get the idea it’s any more indicative of everyday reality than the X Games or America’s Next Top Model or an online dating profile.

First of all, there should be a “performed by professionals, don’t try this at home” warning before so many of today’s X-rated videos. When you see a man standing on his head with a woman riding him while clinging on like a horny koala, understand that couple has a crew of people around them to get them back out of the position if it proves unwieldy. More importantly, that crew can catch them if they start to fall over, or more importantly drive them to the emergency room when they do get injured!

beaverscrop

wet, hairy beavers

Secondly, understand that nobody really looks like that! Seriously, not even the porn actresses themselves look like that. Check out izismile.com’s gallery of porn actresses before and aftermakeup sessions, and you’ll see that, while some of them are hot without makeup (looking at you Cassandra Nix, Elle Alexandra, and Sarah Vandella… no really… looking at you. In fact, bookmarking you.), they certainly look drastically changed after the face paint is slathered on. The vast majority of porn actresses are average looking to borderline ugly.

Oh, and the guys? Yeah, they aren’t poorly endowed, but camera angles and forced perspective go a long way to make them look larger than life. It’s always flattering to photograph your penis from above with a girl’s face posed a few inches below it, of course making sure the girl is in “Facebook profile selfie” position. Ron Jeremy doesn’t need camera angles, but then there’s the whole thing about how he looks like one of the Mario Bros.

Thirdly, understand that many of the performers in a porn movie aren’t having fun. It’s a job. They’re working. That’s why it takes a guy twenty minutes of working himself at the end to get the damned money shot. Sure, everyone in a porn movie has sexy facial expressions during orgasm, but real people having sex look like they’re applying lidocaine to a hemorrhoid when they reach their ecstatic crescendo.

Most importantly, let porn be your primary instructor for sexual technique. You might think it’s fun to watch, but as I said in the previous paragraph, they’re doing a job. Seriously, guys, most girls don’t want you to slap their face with your junk or punch their boobs. Nobody should spit or pee on anybody unless there’s an explicit agreement beforehand.  Girls, don’t ever stop fellatio to ask a guy “do you like that”? Yes, he was liking that, until you stopped to ask him that stupid goddamned question! Get back to it!
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Thumbnail image purchased from 123rf.com
Black and white “NSFW” image public domain
Beaver image via Creative Commons 2.0 License

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