No more drink and food carts. It takes forever to wait on every customer even with the most experienced team with the most organized carts. They can only carry so much of each item, so if you’re not first in line, you might not get your gluten-free salad or your favorite diet soda. Plus, they serve your drink in a cup the size of a salad dressing ramekin and use ice cubes the size of billiard balls. On top of all that, if you’re in an aisle seat and not tracking their every move, the flight attendants are likely to smash your toes or crack your elbow with the cart, or worse yet, give unwanted butt contact (It’s never the hot ones that sideswipe you with their backside).
Instead, we should be able to purchase items for onboard consumption in the waiting area of the gate. Oh, and these items should be offered at a reasonable price, not four bucks for a bottle of water. As for the freebies, they could just give us each a package of those awesome Biscoff Cookies and everyone should be placated. We love cookies.
Ditch the personal screens. If you can get them to work in the first place, the sound through even your personal headphones is sub-par. Plus, after we’ve suckered ourselves into paying for a movie, the guy in front of us lays his chair back and points the screen at our knees. Why is it always only the guy in front of us that can lay his seat back enough for dental work?
Instead, make the seat backs thinner and they should give us a place to plug in our own entertainment device. Pretty much everyone has a phone or a tablet or a laptop with them anyway, let us entertain ourselves with our own stuff instead of episodes of Zoolander 2 or reruns of Blunt Talk.
Everyone gets free wifi. Charging for wifi is very 2004. Charging for the crappy wifi you get on an airplane ought to be against the Geneva Convention. We’re used to free wifi; we get it at Starbucks, McDonalds, Target, Jiffy Lube, and even friggin’ Amtrak. The airlines should join us in the present day and give us the wifi.
Power outlets at all seats. If they want to keep us distracted with our electronics, they’re going to need to keep our gear running.
Offer a “no kids zone” for an extra fee. This just makes sense. They already charge us for the coveted exit lane seats, which we only want because they’re the only seats with enough room for us to get our backpack out from under the seat. How about a “no screaming toddler section”? I bet there’d be a waiting list for upgrades.
Pay what you weigh. OK, before you go all “body positive” on me, I’m talking about your luggage. Added weight burns added jet fuel, which is very expensive. While we’re at it, maybe they could enforce the rules about carry-on bag size and assign each passenger a space for their bag instead of making it a free-for-all.
Stop the zone boarding nonsense. Everyone knows it’s the slowest way to fill the plane. All it takes is one jackass in the back to try going against the stream like a goddamned salmon to screw the whole thing up. That’s not to mention the knuckleheads who stand in the aisle to take off their coats.
Plus, when we’re at the gate and “zone one” is called, everyone with boarding passes for zone two through five line up anyway and the whole mess looks like a cattle funnel. Small children get trampled, old ladies get knocked over, and fist fights start. They should either seat randomly or do open seating like Southwest. Either of those options are better than zone seating.