“Go for a Soda” by Kim Mitchell – I guess this is a statement about sobriety. The song can’t decide whether it’s pop or southern rock. The guitar riff is actually pretty solid, and is a strange juxtaposition to the godawful lyrics. Mitchell must have had a dirty secret, though ’cause by track seven of the same album, he was into “Lager and Ale”. Click here to hear it and see the godawful video.
“Stranded in Iowa” by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band – The same band that had you singing “wrapped up like a douche and of a runner in the night” four years later gave us a tale of being stranded in Iowa. Nothing special, as many in the midwest have had that happen, myself included, especially when it snows really bad on Interstate 80. It’s a weird thing to write a song about, though, and it’s made even weirder by the opening of the song, which is a weather report from Britain’s BBC4. Click here to hear it.
“We Built This City” by Starship – They built this city on rock and roll… and then sang about it in the least rock and roll pop song the band ever released. What does the song even mean? “Marconi plays the mamba?” Marconi was Italian and anyway it was Tesla who actually invented the radio. I dare you to click here and listen.
“Sunglasses at Night” by Corey Hart – He wears his sunglasses at night so he can… so he can watch you weave then breathe your story lines. What?He wears his sunglasses at night so he can… so he can keep track of the visions in his eyes. Again, what? Really, this song just solidifies my notions of staying away from people wearing shades after dark. Click here to experience it in all its ’80s synth glory.
“Friday” by Rebecca Black – Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah, Yeah-ah-ah. Rebecca croons about all the morning’s complexities; got to go downstairs, got to have cereal, and which seat can I take? She needed the assistance of AutoTune to stay on that one difficult note for the whole first four lines of the song. The best part of the song is how she sings “fun, fun, fun, fun” while sounding like a completely emotionless android. Whatever you do, don’t click here.
“25 or 6 to 4” by Chicago – There are rumors that this song had something to do with drugs. The band dismisses that notion, stating it’s simply about the time of day and is a counterpart song to the song “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?” Yeah… the band was so caught up in whether or not it was twenty-five minutes ’til four o’clock or twenty-six minutes ’til that they wrote two songs about it. Suuuuuure there were no drugs. Give it a listen, the music’s great, just ignore the lyrics.
“Let ’em In” by Wings – Someone’s knockin’ at the door, somebody’s ringing the bell, do me a favor and let ’em in. Yep. That’s basically the whole song, apart from a few shout-outs McCartney makes to various friends and family. The most notable part of this song is how, at the very end of the fade-out, the last two notes are loud and scare the crap out of you. Listen to it here.
“Just Dance” by Lady Gaga – “Where are my keys? I lost my phone.” “I can’t see straight anymore.” “What’s the name of this club?” “How’d I turn my shirt inside-out?” “Just dance, gonna be OK.” …Ummm, no, sweetie, you’re not gonna be OK. You’re shitfaced. Tell the bartender you don’t know where you are and don’t have your phone and he’ll get you a cab just to avoid the legal hassle. Better yet, borrow someone else’s phone and call someone sober to come get you and babysit your drunk ass until you’re well into your hangover. Get away from that Gaga bitch, she’s a bad influence. In case you were living under a rock in 2008, here it is.